Saturday, May 21, 2011

Chris Bosh, You're Doing It Wrong

Everyone has a different word for Chris Bosh. Overrated. Soft. Quitter.

All of these descriptions are pretty easy to pick up on if you've followed his career. I mean, he is what he is -- a power forward who feels much more comfortable shooting jumpshots 18 feet away from the basket than bangin' in the low post. Lucky for him, he's friends with Dwayne Wade and LeBron James, and they somehow tricked him into thinking he was one of the big 3 instead of the stepchild of the happy superstar couple. And about the whole quitting thing... he was in Canada. Nuff said.

Another word for Chris Bosh is more obvious -- velociraptor. I mean, c'mon:

Anyway, my word for him has always been... awkward. Like, the dude's just weird. It all started with his blog. Back in the good ol' days when Gilbert Arenas was blogging away, he made a quick plug for his buddy Chris Bosh's new blog, so I took the bait. This was my first look into Bosh's personality, and I came away extremely perplexed. Here's a link if you're interested in what I'm talking about:

Needless to say, I lost interest in his blog and never returned to it again, and Chris Bosh was just another athlete until right before the 2008 NBA All Star Game, when this happened:

What. The. Heck. This evidence, along with the day or two that I made the unforgivable mistake of following Chris Bosh on Twitter, finally helped me to pinpoint what exactly it was about him that was so strange to me -- Chris Bosh is just not cool.

That fact in and of itself may not be strange to you, but it boggled my mind. Yes, I'm probably being stereotypical when I say that all black NBA players are cool, but hey, when you grow up idolizing Michael Jordan, Penny Hardaway, and Allen Iverson, it's tough to argue the point. I've come to expect NBA players to have that overall "it" factor -- an element of "cool" that you can't really put into words, but if a person doesn't have it, it is mad obvious.

But anyway, this all came to light again for me because of Game 4 between the Miami Heat and the Boston Celtics. It has come to my understanding that Chris Bosh does not know how to properly beat his chest, so I've taken it upon myself to educate the masses on this subject.

We'll start with the GOAT chest-pounder, King Kong, to show you how it's supposed to be done.

As you can see, King Kong pounds his chest with both fists, but he alternates his hands. This is textbook chest-pounding. Also, there are two other important takeaways from this video footage:
1) The timing of the chest-beating is everything. Obviously, fighting a T-Rex would suffice as a proper time to beat one's chest, but it is crucial to note that chest-beating should only occur immediately preceding or immediately following an awesome event.
2) It always helps with the effect if you have a chick handy to toss aside and out of harm's way. True story. Well done, King Kong.

That brings us on to our next exhibit -- Kevin Durant.

Rule of thumb: you can pretty much do whatever you want after you hit a game-winner. Here, KD demonstrates the classic one-handed chest-pound technique -- yelling whilst pounding his chest three times successively. The only exception to the three-pound is the one-pound. It is much more seldomly used, but just as effective. Of course, KD's chest-pounding would look a lot better if he put some meat on his chest and arms, but beggars can't be choosers.

And, finally, there's Chris Bosh:

Yes, Chris Bosh's tip-in essentially sealed the game for the Miami Heat, so this qualified him to a chest-pounding. However, his timing and delivery are way off-base. As previously stated, the timing has to occur immediately preceding or following the act, and Bosh clearly had the opportunity to seize the moment after the tip-in, but he went with an airpunch and a yell -- nothing wrong with that. It all starts going downhill for him when he suddenly realizes he has to get back on defense, and his transition from swagger to panic is far too sudden.

The Celtics end up missing a 3-pointer, and one of his teammates grabs the rebound, and the clock is stopped. Note that this is an entire 20+ seconds after his tip-in, but Chris then decides to commence the chest-pounding. Unfortunately, the belated timing is bad enough, but to add insult to injury, his delivery was poorly executed. He pounds his chest four times consecutively -- one time too many -- and he double-fists it without alternating hands. This guy clearly needs some practice... and yes, I'm talkin' bout practice.

The jury is still out as to how many times King Kong rolled over in his grave because of this atrocity. RIP, big fella.


Also note that the website found on his blog above ( is no longer up.

I think bosh clearly didnt read this post because he didnt alternate the double chest pumps last night either...

To further prove my point...

And finally, to cap it all off...

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